On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
