he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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