When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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