It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
