my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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