i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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