I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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