ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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