Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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