PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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