Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
