I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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