Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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