I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
