There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
