My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
