I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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