I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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