I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize