Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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