Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
