Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize
