Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
