My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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