I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
