I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
