he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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