I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
