She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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