Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
