it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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