my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
