I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
