News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
