If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
