It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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