You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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