I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
