she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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