I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
