im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
