new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
