The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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