There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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