I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize