new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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