Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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