she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
