Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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