my phone needs a breathalizer
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
