dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
