I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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