you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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