And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize