I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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