how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize