I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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