The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
