I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
