dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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