They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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