I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
