it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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