remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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