I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
