I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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