He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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