Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
